Idiot's bliss...

posted by c0mb0kick | LeRoy

I hate weekends.
That includes friday nights.
I really hate weekends.
Used to love 'em.
Hate 'em now, because.....

And sometimes I ask myself, what is the worth of all this?
Every single thing.
Mummy shared something today regarding purposes. Are they God's, or ours?
I really don't know.
And I don't want to know either.
I don't want to know anything, anymore.
I'd rather be dumb, and stupid, and ignorant.
Because then, you don't worry, or feel upset, or get hurt.
Idiot's blessings.

It seems that there is no point in knowing, or understanding.
You just get hurt more,
Regardless the situation.

Try try try.
Cry cry cry.

I ask you, what is the point?
Where is the point?
Everything I once believed in, are now shattered,and poured down the gutter in the rain.

I hate the rain.
Used to love 'em.
Hate 'em now, because...

I have so much I want to say.
But I can't, for obvious reasons.
Or are they really that obvious?
I don't know who to believe anymore,
Or who to trust.
I don't know what's right, and what's wrong.
I don't know who is on my side anymore.
Because nothing is going right.
Nothing is working out.
Everything I've fought so hard for,
Made a fool of myself for,
Has betrayed and hurt me.
I want to go out and run.
And cry it all away.
I remember so much,
And for what?
What sake?
Who's sake?
Yours, or mine?

Does anyone even know what's truly going on?

No!

Why?!

Simply because,
There is a lack of trust.
It's a defence sorta thing.
I don't know who I can trust.
Who I can hold a secret with.
I don't know who wouldn't betray me,
Hold it against me!
Use it against me!
It's all so bloody complicated and...
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know the purpose of my actions,
My reasonings and thoughts.
Indeed, I am a hypocrite.
And for all the pains,
I keep silent.
[Not entirely, but neither do I proclamate.]

There is nothing great about me.
There I've said it now.
In spite of everything that has been recorded & written,Scientific studies & proofs,
At the end of the day,
I realise that there's nothing awesome, or fantastic,
Or Special,
About MYSELF.

I'm just an underaged-juvenile, in the eyes of the law,
Studying under the watchful eyes of the Singapore government,
Hoping to do well enough to get to a university where I may study a course of my choice.
The course itself, is uncertain,
And changes with the seasons of inconsistent self-created fads.
All in the bid to make myself seem like I'm worth a lot more than one can expect.
I do not, and cannot, lay claim to intelligence,
Or wisdom,
Or understanding,
Or empathy.
I am neither an ambassador for either,
Nor one for a combination.
I do not have an issue of self-esteem right in this post,
For I do not lay claim to extreme stupidity or retardedness either.
[Although, there is greater respect for these handicapped few.]

I am just, an Average.
Nothing more, and nothing less.
This is not humility on my part either,
Whether faked or sincere.
If there was one thing I lacked,
And I say it now,
It's humility.
I'm far to arrogant for my own good.
We are each born with our share of pains and hurts,
Trials and obstacles,
I won't deny that.
Whether it is fair or not, or equivalent,
Is debatable, but not the issue at hand.
But likewise, as how we are each given our share,
We are each also given our share of change to look at ourselves,
And be a critic for a moment.
And at this moment,
I say that,
I am nothing.

It's so quiet.
So, so, quiet.
And I feel lonely.
I am alone.

We come together,
To fall apart again.
'Tis the law of life.

In memory of Raeven Gotterdammerung,the one person who makes life in JC so much more tolerable.
Sounds so wrong but this is the best I can think of to honor her words...